You may even want to preface the conversation with a statement expressing that you are telling them this because you love them and want to be closer with them and hope for them to know and understand you better. When you tell your parents you are gay, always be sure that it is coming from a place of love, not from anger or resentment.
The main message is that you cannot expect your parents to read your mind so you should be very clear about with whom (if anyone) they are permitted to discuss your sexuality or gender, including younger siblings, and relatives from a parent’s prior marriage. In other instances, however, people want to be in control of exactly who is in on what they have regarded as a secret for a long time. In some situations, people tell their parents that they are gay and tell them that they are fine with their parents telling anyone they would like (in fact, in many situations, the children prefer this because it is one less potentially awkward conversation that they need to have).
When you come out to family and close friends, especially if it is still early on in your journey, it is important to inform whomever you confide in that they can or cannot tell other people. We have heard many accounts of teenagers becoming upset with their parents for "spilling the beans" about their sexuality or gender identity. Make sure you know who you can reach out to in case you need temporary housing or emotional support.īe Very Clear About Who Your Parents Can or Can't Tell: This means looking up local LGBTQ shelters, figuring out how much money you need to save in order to live on your own, and reaching out to friends and adults you can trust. If you absolutely can't wait to come out, and aren't sure if you will be safe after coming out to your parents, you need to make sure you have a back-up plan. You can always "test the waters" to gauge how your parents feel about other people in the LGBTQ community before you start opening up to them about this. This is especially the case if your parents have a history of verbally abusive or physically aggressive tendencies. You must always put your personal safety first. If, based on their prior remarks or attitudes about the LGBTQ community, you feel that your parents are not going to react well, so much so that they won't tolerate your living in their home as an LGBTQ teenager, then we'd recommend waiting to come out until you are independent from your family.
If possible, you should make an effort to tell your family and close friends about your sexuality or gender before making it public information on social media. We have heard of many instances where parents find out that a child is gay because someone else sees that they changed their status on Facebook or posted a video on YouTube. Often, family members are offended and feel like you don't value your relationship with them enough to tell them such important information about yourself firsthand. We have found that parents (and friends) are more likely to respond better when the news comes directly from you rather than from someone else.Įnsure for Your Own Safety and Well-Being: Tell the Important People Before Telling the World: Give them some time to sit with the information and try not to judge them (or feel judged by them) if their first response is not what you had imagined.
Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine being told something from a close friend or family member that takes you by complete surprise. It is natural for parents to have preconceived notions or expectations for you, and it may take some time for them to feel comfortable with this new important information you are just now sharing with them. Remember that you have had your entire life to come to terms with your sexuality, but your parents may not have given it much thought before you broached the topic with them.